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lopy 1 



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3 ^ 



lie so Deaf as those wlioWon't fear, 



A Comedietta in One Act. 



BOSTON: 

GEORGE M. BAKER & CO. 
41-45 Franklin Street. 



a* Jeu w ~- JL. A ^ S. 
•*'**";. \* altUrop'g Bachelors. Comedy in Three Acts. Translated from German Dy George M. 

baker. 25 cents. 
'» he Fairy of the Fountain. Play for Little Folks. Two Acts. By George M. Baker. 25 cent* 

< «> ii i pon Bonds. Drama in Four Acts. By J. T. Trowbridge. 25 cents. 
liicler a Veil. Commedetta in One Act. By Sir Randal Roberts. 25 cents. 

< lass Day. Farce in One Act. By Dr. F. A. Harris. 25 cents. 
UncleRobert. Comedv in Three Acts. 7 male, 1 female character. 15 ce 
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Spencer's Universal Stage. 

A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either Public or Private 
Performance. Containing a full description of all the 
necessary Stage Business. 

PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH, as- No Plays Exchanged. 



10 



ll 



1. LOST IN LONDON. A Drama in 3 Acts. 
6 male, 4 female characters. 

2. NICHOLAS FLAM. A Comedy in 2 Acts. 
By J. B. Buckstone. 5 male, 3 female char. 

3. THE WELSH GIRL. A Comedy in 1 Act. 
By Mrs. Planche. 3 male, 2 female char. ■ 

4. JOHN WOPPS. A Farce in 1 Act. By 
W. E. Suter. 4 male, 2 female char. 

5. THE TURKISH BATH. A Farce in 1 Act. 
By Montague Williams and F. C Burnund. 
C male, 1 female char. 

6. THE TWO FUDDIFOOTS. A Farce in 1 
Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 

7. OLD HONESTY. A Comic Drama in 2 
Acts. By J. M. Morton. 5 male, 2 female char. 

8. TWO GENTLEMEN IN A FIX. A 
Farce in 1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 2 male char. 

9. SMASHING-TON GOIT. A Farce in 1 Act. 
By T. J. Williams. 5 male, 3 female char. 

TWO HEADS BETTER THAN ONE. A 
Farce in 1 Act. By Lenox Home. 4 male, 
1 female char. 
JOHN DOBBS. A Farce in 1 Act. By J. M. 
Morton. 5 male, 2 female char. 
\ 12. THE DAUGHTER of the REGIMENT. 
( A Drama in 2 Acts. By Edward Fitzball, 

i G male, 2 female char. 

1 .»3. AUNT CHARLOTTE'S MAID. A Farce in 1 

Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 

14 BROTHER BILL AND ME. A Farce in 

1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 male, 3 female char. 

*5. DONE ON BOTH SIDES. A Farce in 1 

Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 2 female char. 

16. DUNDUCKETTY'S FICNIC. A Farce in 1 

Act. By T. J. Williams. G male, 3 female char. 

17. I'VE WRITTEN TO BROWNE. A Farce 

in 1 Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 3 female 

char. 
19. MY PRECIOUS BETSY. A Farce in 1 

Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 male, 4 female char. 
SO. MY TURN NEXT. A Farce in 1 Act. By 

T. J. Williams. 4 male, 3 female char. 

22. THE PHANTOM BREAKFAST. A Farce 

in 1 Act. By Chas. Selby. 3 male, 2 female char. 

23. DANDELION'S DODGES. A Farce in 1 

Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 2 female char. 

24. A SLICE OF LUCK. A Farce in 1 Act. By 

J. M. Morton. 4 male, 2 female char. 

25. ALWAYS INTENDED. A Comedy in 1 

Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 male, 3 female char. 
26 A BULL IN A CHINA SHOP. A Comedy 
in 2 Acts. By Charles Matthews. G male, 4 
female char. 

27. ANOTHER GLASS. A Drama in 1 Act. By 

Thomas Morton. G male, 3 female char. 

28. BOWLED OUT. A Farce in lAct. ByH. 

T. Craven. 4 male, 3 female char. 

29. COUSIN TOM. A Commedietta in 1 Act. By 

Geo. Roberts. 3 male, 2 female char. 

30. SARAH'S YOUNG MAN. A Farce in 1 

Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 male, 3 female char. 
31- HIT niM, HE HAS NO FRIENDS. A 
Farce in 1 Act. By E. Yates and N. H. Har- 
rington. 7 male, 3 female char. 

32. THE CHRISTENING. A Farce in 1 Act. 

By J. B. Buckstone. 5 male 6 female char. 

33. A RACE FOR A WIDOW. A Farce in 1 

Act. ByT. J. Williams. 5 male, 4 female char. 

34. YOUR LIFE'S IN DANGER. A Farce in 

1 Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 

35. TRUE UNTO DEATH. A Drama in 2 Acts. 

By J. Sheridan Knowles. 6 male, 2 female char. 



36. DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. An Interlude 

in 1 Act. By W. H. Murray. 10 male, 1 female 
char. 

37. LOOK AFTER BROWN. AFarceinl Act. 

By George A. Stuart, M. D. 6 male, 1 female 
char. 

38. MONSEIGNEUR. A Drama in 3 Acts. By 

Thomas Archer. 15 male, 3 female char. 

39. A VERY PLEASANT EVENING. A 

Farce in 1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 male char. 

40. BROTHER BEN. A Farce in 1 Act. By J. 

M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 

41. ONLY A CLOD. A Comic Drama in 1 Act. 

By J. P. Simpson. 4 male, 1 female char. 

42. GASPARDO THE GONDOLIER. A 

Drama in 3 Acts. By George Almar. 10 male, 
2 female char. 

43. SUNSHINE THROUGH THE CLOUDS. 

A Drama in 1 Act. By Slingsby Lawrence. 3 
male, 3 female char. 

44. DON'T JUDGE BY APPEARANCES. A 

Farce in 1 Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 2 
female char. 

45. NURSEY CHICKWEED. A Farce in 1 Act. 

By T. J. Wi.liams. 4 male, 2 female char. 

46. MARY MOO ; or, Which shall I Marry? 

A Farce in 1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 2 male, 1 
female char. 

47. EAST LYNNE. A Drama in 5 Acts. 8 male, 

7 female char. 

48. THE HIDDEN HAND. A Drama in 5 Acts. 

By Robert Jones. 16 male, 7 female char. 

49. SILVERSTONE'S WAGER. A Commedi- 

etta in 1 Act. By R. R. Andrews. 4 male, 3 fe- 
male char. 

50. DORA. A Pastoral Drama in 3 Acts. By Chas. 

Reade. 5 male, 2 female char. 

55. THE WIFE'S SECRET. A Play in 5 Acts. 

By Geo. W. Lovell. 10 male, 2 female char. 

56. THE BABES IN THE WOOD. A Com- 

edy in 3 Acts. By Tom Taylor. 10 male, 3 fe- 
male char. 
67. PUTKINS i Heir +3 Castlea in the Air. 
A Comic Drama in I Act. By W. R. Emerson. 

2 male, 2 fea.ale char. 

58. AN UGI Y CUSTOMER. A Farce in 1 Act. 

By Thymus J. Williams. 3 male, 2 female char. 

59. BLUE AND CHERRY. A Comedy in 1 Act. 

3 male, 2 female char. 

60. A DOUBTFUL •VICTORY. A Comedy in 

1 Act. 3 male, 2 female char. 

61. THE SCARLET LETTER. A Drama in 3 

Acts. 8 male, 7 female char. 

62. WHICH WILL HAVE HIM? A Vaude- 

ville. 1 male, 2 female char. 

63. MADAM IS ABED. A Vaudeville in 1 Act. 

2 male, 2 female char. 

64. THE ANONYMOUS KISS. A Vaudeville. 

2 male, 2 female char. 

65. THE CLEFT STICK. A Comedy in 3 Acts. 

5 male, 3 female char. 

66. A SOLDIER, A SAILOR, A TINKER, 

AND A TAILOR. A Farce in 1 Act. 4 male, 
2 female char. 

67. GIVE A DOG A BAD NAME. A Farce. 

2 male, 2 female char. 

68. DAMON AND PYTHIAS. A Farce. 6 

male, 4 female char. 

69. A HUSBAND TO ORDER. A Serio-comic 

Drama in 2 Acts. 5 male, 3 female char. 

70. PAYABLE ON DEMAND. A Domestic 

Drama in 2 Acts. 7 male, 1 female char. 



Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to 



Geo. M. Baker & Co., 41-45 Franklin St., Boston, 



NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO 
WON'T HEAR. 

& Cometitetta in ©ne &ct . 



H. PELHAM CURTIS, U.S.A., 

AUTHOR OF "UNCLE ROBERT," "THE PERFECT FOX," "LYING 
WILL OUT," ETC., ETC. 



BOSTON: 
GEORGE M. BAKER AND COMPANY, 

41 FRANKLIN STREET. 
1880. • 



tfN 






V 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



SINGLETON CODDLE. * 
WASHINGTON WHITWELL. 
EGLANTINE CODDLE. 
JANE SMITH, a Servant. 



Costumes modem and appropriate. 



Copyright, 1880, 
By LEE AND SHEPARD. 



All rights reserved. 



TMP92-009006 



NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE 
WHO WON'T HEAR. 



Scene. — A parlor handsomely furnished, looking out on a 
garden; console in each corner; on one a lamp, a flower- 
vase on the other; door in flat, and doors right and left; 
window at right; gun standing in corner at left; table in 
front, left, with magazines, paper, pens, and ink; at right, 
front, an easy-chair, and small work-table, on which is a 
work-basket and hand-bell, 

Eglantine (sits at table, reading). Oh, what dull trash ! 
{Throws magazine down.) Ah, me ! I can take no interest 
even in Trollope. Life is a blank. (Comes forward.) Did 
ever any girl suffer as I do? Nothing to do, nobody to see, 
— only father to talk to, and he deaf as a post ! (Sits and 
looks at vase of flowers?) Well, I'll not stand this. These 
flowers have been here four days. Disgraceful ! (Rings.) 
Jane ! (Rings again. Etiter Jane with a letter, in flat.) 
Jane, how can you be so neglectful ? Look at these old dead 
flowers. Throw them away, and get me fresh at once. 

Jane. Yes, miss. Your pa is not here, miss ? 

Eglantine (Jumps up). No. Is it a caller? 

Jane. No, miss : a letter. . 

Eglantine. Only a letter! oh, dear! Never any visit- 
ors ; nothing but letters now, and none of them for me. I 
shall die, or go mad. (Sits.) 

Jane. Yes, miss: your pa is a very sot man, and won't 
never see no company, since he grew hard of hearing, three 
years ago. (Takes the flowers from' vase.) 



4 NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T HEAR. 

Eglantine. O Jane ! how can I bear it ? Life is so 
dull, so dull ! (Sods.) 

Jane (wiping^ lamp-glass). Yes, miss. And think of 
me, miss : took into service for my voice, and obligated to 
holler at your pa all day long. Holler? Yes; yell and 
scream, I calls it. 

Eglantine. Has nothing been heard from that aurist 
papa wrote to a month ago ! 

Jane. No, miss ; not a word. Dear, dear ! I shall be a 
dummy in six months, I'm sure. I hain't no more voice 
now than a frog. 

Eglantine. Ha, ha ! It's very sad, Jane. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Jane. Don't laugh at the misfortunate, Miss Eglantine : 
'tain't lucky. 

Eglantine. Forgive me, Jane : I didn't mean to. I be- 
lieve I'm hysterical; and no wonder, — shut up by myself 
like this, at nineteen. 

Jane. No wonder you finds it a bit dull, miss. I don't 
wonder at it, — not a mite. 

Eglantine. And papa seems resolved to Iceep me un- 
married. Half a dozen proposals already ! and he's refused 
them all. 

Jane. Yes, miss ; so he have. He says regular, " Not 
the son-in-law for me." What kind does he expect, I won- 
der ? A angel ? 

Eglantine. I'm afraid so, Jane. And it's got so bad 
that nobody now has the courage to offer, a refusal is so 
certain. (Sobs.) Or else I'm sure that gentleman who 
danced the whole evening with" me a month ago at Lady 
Thornton's — ' 

JAne. Yes, miss: I've heard you mention him often. 

Eglantine. He was dying to offer himself, I'm sure, 
from the way he looked at me. But somebody has warned 
him, of course. (Weeps.) O Jane, how tedious, how tedious 
life is ! 

Jane. Yes, miss ; tedious as tedious ! But here comes 
master. Where is that letter? Oh ! here it be. 
(Enter Singleton Coddle, door R.) 

Coddle (book in hand, from which he reads.) "Deafness 
is one of the most distressing afflictions which can attack 
mankind." Ah ! distressing indeed ! How true ! how pro- 
foundly true ! * 



NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON T HEAR. 5 

Jane {shouts in his ear). A letter for you, sir. {Holds it 
before his eyes.) 

Coddle. Ah, Jane ! you here ? And Eglantine too. 
{Takes letter.) You needn't stick letters into my eye, Jane : 
you only need tell me you have them. (Sits.) 

Eglantine. Possibly another offer for me. If I could 
only manage to peep over his shoulder ! 

Jane. No need, miss. He's sure to read it out. He 
can't never hear his own voice, and don't know but he's 
reading to himself. He thinks out loud too ; and I knows 
every thing he has on his mind. It's quite a blessing, really. 

Coddle. (Puts on glasses ; catches sight of Eglantine.) 
Tut, tut, Eglantine ! Go away, child. This is for me, not 
you. Ten to one it's confidential too! (Crosses left, and 
reads aloud.) "My dear Coddle, I flatter myself I have 
found a son-in-law to your taste at last, — a nephew of mine, 
young, well educated, brilliant, arid rich. Yours truly, Pot- 
tle." 

Jane. Didn't I tell you so, miss ? 

Coddle. Ah ! all very well, all very well, friend Pottle ; 
but not the man for me. 

Jane. There, miss, just what I told ye. 

Eglantine. I shall be in despair ; I shall go crazy. 

Jane. Easy, miss, easy. Don't go into no* tantrums. 
For mercy's sake, calm yourself. 

Eglantine. Calm myself ! When life is the same dull 
round day after day ! Calm myself ! When I never see even 
a strange cat ! Calm myself ! Oh, I cannot endure it ! 
(Exit R., furious.) 

Jane (carrying out the vase): Poor young critter ! Her 
pa ain't got no sense. — Ugh ! you old yaller dog ! (Exit L.) 

Coddl?. Ah ! deafness is indeed a distressing affliction. 
(Shakes his head. ■ A pause.) Still every cloud has its silver 
side. Without my deafness I never could have survived the 
conversation — God forgive me ! — of my poor dear wife. 
It killed her; for, finding me providentially beyond her 
reach, her loquacity struck in, and — there she was. But now 
an inscrutable Providence has taken her from me, (Sighs 
deeply) it would console me to hear a little. The doctors 
say they can do nothing. Ignorant rascals! I wrote to a 
fellow who advertises to cure deafness instantaneously by 
electro-acoustico magnetism, and the impudent impostor 



6 NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T HEAR. 

hasn't taken the trouble to answer. The whole world seems 
determined to thwart me. {Takes book again, and reads) "In 
treatihg deafness, it should first be ascertained whether the 
tympanum be thickened Or perforated, and whether also the 
minute bones of the auricular organ are yet intact." {Sticks 
tittle finger in his eat) I think they're all right. (Reads.) 
" And, further, be certain that the Eustachian tube is free 
from obstruction." I wonder whether my Eustachian tube 
is obstructed. I must get jane to look. I wonder where 
she is. Jane! (Rings. Enter J ane l. ; drops fiower-pot.) 
Jane! 

Jane. He don't hear nothing. It's quite a pleasure to 
smash things when he's round. 

Coddle, jane ! 

Jane (picks up pieces). Bah! who cares for you? I'll 
answer when I'm ready. 

Coddle. Jane! 

Jane. Oh, call away! (Throws pieces out of window.) 
Heads there ! 

Coddle. Jane ! (Rises.) I must go for her. {Sees her 
at window ; shouts in her ear) Jane ! 

Jane (puts hands to ears). Mercy ! 

Coddle. This is the fifteenth time Pve called you. Are 
you deaf? 

Jane (courtesies). Yes, old wretch, — deaf when I want 
to be. (Both come down.) 

Coddle. What do you say ? 

Jane. Pop, pop, pop, old bother ! I'd like to wring your 
bothersome neck. 

Coddle. Yes, fine weather indeed. Look into my ear, 
Jane, and tell me whether my Eustachian ttibe is obstructed. 

Jane. Eustachian tube ? What is the old fool after now ? 

Coddle. Look in. Why don't you look in? 

Jane (shouts). What for, sir ? 

Coddle. Eustachian tube. 

Jane (shouts). I can't see nothing, sir. 

Coddle. What do you say ? 

Jane. Drat him! (Shouts.) I can't see nothing. 

Coddle. Jane, I hope you're not losing your voice. You 
don't speak half so loudly as usual. 

JaNe (sulkily). Perhaps I'd better have it swabbed out, 
then. 



NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T HEAR. ? 

Coddle. Luncheon's ready, do you say ? Rather early, 
isn't it ? Jane, I like you, do you know, because you're such 
an intelligent creature. 

Jane (shouts). Yes, sir. 

Coddle. And so much attached to me. 

Jane {shouts). Yes, sir. 

Coddle. Yes ; a very faithful, good, affectionate servant, 
Jane. .1 haven't forgotten you in my will, Jane. You'll find 
I've got you down there. I won't say how much, but some- 
thing handsome, depend on it, — something handsome. 
(Sits down, and takes up book again.) 

Jane. Something handsome ! Five hundred dollars ! 
I've heard him say so a score of times. He calls that hand- 
some for busting my voice in his service. The old rat ! I 
hate such mean goings-on. (Cries outside.) 

Voices. Stop him, stop him ! 

Jane (runs to window). Eh? what's that? (Gun fired 
under window.) 

Coddle. Yes, Jane, you'll be satisfied, I promise you. 
(AnotJier gun heard.) Heaven will reward you for your care 
of me, my faithful girl. (Looks up) Why, where the devil 
has the woman gone to ? 

Jane (at window). Good gracious ! I say, you feller 
down there ! Lord V mercy! Get away from here ! This is 
private property. 

Coddle (goes to window). Why, Jane, you seem quite 
excited. 

Jane (shouts in his ear). Man with a gun in your garden. 
. smashing the melon-frames, treading on the flower-beds I 
— Hey, you feller ! Police i (Noise of breaking glass) 

Coddle {looks out). The villain is smashing every thing 
I have in the world ! Another melon-frame ! Jane, hand me 
my gun! I'll shoot the rascal i (Seizes gun, Jane takes up 
a broom) Follow me, Jane ; follow me. The infernal scoun- 
drel! 

Jane. Drat the impident rogue ! (Both exeunt door in 
fiat.) 
(Enter Washington Whitwell, left, gun in hand. Slams 

door behind hi7n, advances on tiptoe, finger on trigger — 

glances around) 

Whitwell. Wrong again. Not here. What can have 
become of the creature ! {Sets gun down) He certainly 



8 NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T HEAR. 

ran into this house ! Egad ! whose house is it, by the way? 
Never saw a finer hare in my life. In all my experience I 
never saw a finer hare ! . I couldn't have bought him in the 
market under thirty cents. (Rises.) He's cost me a pretty 
penny, though. Up at six for a day's shooting. ' Dog starts 
a hare in ten minutes. Aim ! Hare goes off, gun don't. 
Bad cap. Off / go, however, hot foot after him. He runs 
into a thicket. Rustic appears. I hail him. " Hallo; 
friend ! A dollar if you'll start out that hare." A dollar 
for a hare worth thirty cents ! say thirty-five. Out he 
comes ; dog after him. Aim again. This time gun goes 
off, dog don't. Shot him. Worth forty dollars. Total so 
far, forty-one dollars. Load again. Hare gives me a run 
of five miles. Stop to rest ; drop asleep. Wake up, and 
see hare not ten yards away, munching a cabbage. Gun 
again, and after him. He jumps over a fence ; I jump 
over a fence. He comes down on his fore-paws ; / come 
down on my fore-paws. He recovers his equilibrium; I 
recover mine (on the flat of my back). Suddenly I observe 
myself to be hunted by an army of rustics, my dollar friend 
among them, — well-meaning people, no doubt, — asmed with 
flails, forks, harrows, and ploughs, and greedy for my life. 
They shout ; I run. And here I am, after smashing fifty 
dollars' worth of glass and things ! Total, including dog, 
ninety-one dollars, not to mention fine for breaking melon- 
frames by some miserable justice's court, say twenty dollars 
more ! Grand total, let me see : yes, a hundred and twenty 
dollars, more or less, for a hare worth thirty-five cents ! say 
forty. (Noise outside.) Ha ! no rest for the wicked here. 
(Picks up gun, rushes for door in flat — met by Coddle; 
runs to door at left — met by Jane.) Caught,»by Jupiter ! 
(Falls into a e/uzir.) 

Coddle. We've got the villain. Seize him, Jane, seize 
him ! 

Jane. Surrender, young man, in the name of the Conti- 
nental Congress. (Collars him, and takes away his gun.) 

Whitwell. This is a pretty fix. 

Coddle. How dare you, sir, violate my privacy? knock 
down my walls? smash my melon-frames? fire your abomi- 
nable gun under my window, sir? 

Jane. Lord 'a' mercy ! The young man might have killed 
me. Oh, you assassinating wretch ! 



NONE SO DEAF AS THjDSE WHO WON'T HEAR. 9 

Coddle. The police will have a few words to say to you 
before you're an hour older, you burglar ! 

Whitwell. The deuce ! 

Coddle. What's your name, sir ? 
* Jane. Ay, what's your name ? Tell us that. This is a 
hanging matter, I'd have you to know. 

Whitwell {stammering). My name ? er — er — Whit — 
no — er — mat. 

Jane {shouts in Coddle's ear). He says his name is 
Whittermat. Furrin of course. Mercy! what an escape ! 

Whitwell {aside). Good idea that. I'm a foreigner! 
I'll keep it up. 

Jane. Didn't you hear me call to you, you man-slaugh- 
terer ? Are you deaf ? 

Whitwell {aside). Deaf! Another good idea. I'll 
keep that up. 

Coddle. What does he say, Jane ? 

Jane. He don't say nothink, sir. 

Whitwell {aside). Now for it. May I ask for a bit of 
paper ? {Makes signs of writing) 

Coddle. What does the scamp say ? 

Jane {shouts). He wants some paper. 

Coddle. Paper! Impudent scoundrel ! I'll paper him, 
and ink him too ! j 

Whitwell. {Sees paper on table) Ah ! {Sits.) 

Jane. He's going to write some wizard thing. He'll 
vanish in a flame of fire, I warrant ye ! 

Whitwell (gives paper to Jane). Here, young woman. 

Jane {to Coddle). Take it, sir. I dar'n't hold it. Ugh ! 

Coddle. What's this ? "I am afflicted with total deaf- 
ness." Ha, delightful ! He says he's deaf. Thank Heaven 
for all its mercies. He's deaf. Stone deaf ! 

Jane. Deef! 

Coddle. So you're deaf, eh ? {Points to ears) Deaf ? 

Whitwell. Third term, by all means. You're right. 
Gen. Grant, as you say, of course. 

Coddle. Deaf ! He is indeed. A Heaven-sent son- 
in-law ! My idea realized ! Heaven has heard my prayers 
at last. 

Jane. Son-in-law ! Mercy presarve us all ! 

Coddle. Delightful young man! I must have a little 
confidential talk with him, Jane. But don't you go. 



10 NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T HEAR. 

Jane. A deef son-in-law ! Lord 'a' mercy ! must I have 
a pair on 'em on my hands ! 

Coddle. My afflicted friend, pray take a chair. (Whit- 
well takes no notice.) Delicious ! he don't hear a sound. 
(Louder.) Take a seat. (Shouts.) Seat ! 

Whitwell {bows). Nothing to eat : thanks. 

Coddle. Charming! Overflowing with intellect. Never 
again disbelieve in special providences. {Signs to Whit- 
Well to sit down.) 

Whitwell {points to easy-chair). After you, venerable 
sir. 

Coddle. The manners of a prince of the blood ! Kind 
Heaven, I thank thee ! {Both sit.) 

Jane. Deary me, deary me ! A pair of posts, like, and 
nary a trumpet between 'em, except me* 

Coddle {looks at Whitwell). Young man, you look 
surprised at the interest I take in you. 

Whitwell. No, sir, I prefer shad. 

Coddle. What does he say ? {Jumps up.) Jane, who 
knows but he's already married ! {Sits, shouts.) Have you 
a wife ? 

Whitwell. Yes, sir ; always with a knife. 

Jane (shouts). Have you a wife ? A wife r 

Whitwell. All my life ? Yes. 

Jane (shouts). I say, have you a wife? 

Whitwell. A wife? No. 

Jane. Drat him ! he's single, and marries Eglantine for 
sartain. 

Coddle. He said no, I thought. (Shouts.) Are you a 
bachelor ? (Shouts.) A bachelor ? Bachelor ? (Projects his 
ear*) 

Whitwell. Yes. 

Coddle (shouts). What do you say ? 

Whitwell (roars). Yes ! By Jove, his deaf, and no 
mistake. 

Coddle. He said yes, didn't he? (Rises.) A bachelor! 
Glorious ! (Roars.) Will you dine with us ? 

Whitwell. Lime-juice ? with the shad ? delicious ! 

Coddle. Dine with us? 

Whitwell. With the greatest pleasure. 

Coddle. Haven't the leisure ? Oh, yes, you have ! We'll 
dine early. I'll take no refusal. — Jane, dinner at five. 



NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON T HEAR. 1 1 

Jane. Yes, sir. {Courtesies) Yah, old crosspatch ! with 
your providential son-in-laws, and your bachelors, and your 
dine-at-fives. 

Coddle. No, thank you, Jane ; not fish-balls. Curried 
lamb I prefer. Go, give the order at once. 

Jane. Bah ! with your fish-balls and your curries. Oh, 
if it wasn't for that trumpery legacy ! Yah ! {Exit l., snarl- 

Coddle. Faithful Jane ; invaluable friend ! What should 
I do without her? 

Whitwell {loudly), My dear sir, is it possible you suffer 
such insolence ? 

Coddle {shouts). You're quite right Yes, a perfect 
treasure, my young friend, A model, I assure you. 

Whitwell {aside), Well, after that, deaf isn't the word 
for it. 

Coddle {rises, shuts doors and window, sets gun in comer, 
then sits near Whitwell. Shouts.) Now, my dear friend, 
let us have a little talk ; a confidential talk, eh ! 

Whitwell. Confidential, in a bellow like that! < 

Coddle {shouts). I wish to be perfectly frank, I asked 
you to dinner, not that you might eat 

Whitwell (aside). What for, then, I'd like to know? 

Coddle {shouts). Had you been a married man, I would 
have sent you to jail with pleasure ; but you're a bachelor. 
Now, I'm a father, with a dear daughter as happy as the day 
is long. Possibly in every respect you may not suit her., 

Whitwell {picks up hat). Does the old dolt mean to 
insult me ! 

Coddle {shouting). But you suit me, my friend, to a T *, 
and I offer you her hand, plump, no more words about it. 

Whitwell. Sir; {Aside.) She's humpbacked, I'll stake 
, my life, a dromedary ! 

Coddle {shouts). Between ourselves, sir, —in the strictest 
confidence, mind, —she will bring you a nest-egg of fifty 
thousand dollars. 

Whitwell {aside). A double hump, then, beyond all 
doubt. Not a dromedary, — a camel ! a backtrian ! {Bows.) 
{Shouts.) Sir, I appreciate the honor, but I — {Going.) 

Coddle. Not so fast ; you can't go to her yet. If you 
could have heard a word she said, you shouldn't have my 
daughter. Do you catch my idea ? 



12 NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE" WHO WONT HEAR. 

Whitwell {shouts). With great difficulty, like my hare. 

Coddle (shouts). Perhaps you may not have noticed that 
I'm- a trifle deaf. 

Whitwell. Ha, ha! a trifle deaf! I should say so. 
(Shouts.) I think I did notice it. 

Coddle. A little hard of hearing, so to speak. 

Whitwell (shouts). You must be joking. * 

Coddle. Effect of smoking? Tut! I never smoke, — or 
hardly ever. You see, young man, I live here entirely alone 
with my daughter. She talks with nobody but 7?ie, and is as 
happy as a bird the livelong day. * 

Whitwell (aside). She must have a sweet old time of it. 

Coddle. Now, suppose I were to take for a son-in-law 
one of the dozen who have already teased my life out for 
her, — a fellow with his ears entirely normal : of course 
they'd talk together in their natural voice, and force me to 
be incessantly calling out, " What's that you're saying ? " 
" I can't hear ; say that again." You understand ? Ah ! the 
young are so selfish. The thing's preposterous, of course. 
Now, with a son-in-law like yourself, — deaf as a door-post, 
— this, annoyance couldn't happen. You'd shout at your 
wife, she'd shout back, of course, and I'd hear the whole 
conversation. Catch the idea ? 

Whitwell (shouts). Fear? Oh, no! I ain't afraid. 
(Aside.) The old scoundrel looks out for number one, don't 
he? 

( Enter Jane, door in f., with visiting-card) 

Coddle (shouts). It's a bargain, then ? Shake hands on 
it, my boy. I get an audible son-in-law, you, a charming 
wife. 

Whitwell (aside). Charming, eh ? Ah ! she with a 
double hump on her back, and he has the face to say she's 
charming. 

Jane. Oh, dear! we're in for another deefy in the family. 
(Shouts) A gentleman to see you, sir. 

Coddle. Partridges? Yes, Jane, they'll do nicely. 
(Shouts.) Now, my boy, before you see your future bride, 
you'll want to fix up a little, eh ? (Points to door, R.) Step 
in there, my dear friend, and arrange your dress. 

Whitwell (shakes his head). (Shouts.) Distress ? Not 
a bit. It delights me, sir. (Aside.) This scrape I'm in 
begins toJook alarming. 



NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WONT HEAR. 1 3 

Coddle. The dear boy ! he is deaf, indeed. (Pushes 
him out.) Be off, lad, be off. F"ind all you want in there. 
(Motions to brush his hair, &*c.) Brushes, combs, collars, 
and a razor. (Exit Whitwell, r.) I felt certain a merciful 
Providence would send me the right husband for Eglantine 
at last. Jane, you here yet ? Set the table for four, remem- 
ber. Every thing's settled. He accepts. What have you 
there ? a card ? 

Jane (shouts). Yes, sir. Oh, you old botheration ! 

Coddle. Good heavens ! 

Jane. Lawks ! what now ? 

Coddle. The man himself. 

Jane. What man ? Land's sake ! he'll be the death of 
me. 

Coddle. In the library at this moment ! Dear, faithful, 
affectionate Jane, wish me joy ! The doctor has come at 
last ! (Exit R. 1 e.) 

(Eglantine enters r. as her father runs out.) 

Eglantine. Jane, is any thing the matter with papa ? 
Isn't he well? 

Jane. Yes, miss, he's well enough. He's found that 
son-in-law of his'n, — that angel ! 

Eglantine. Angel ? son-in-law ? 

Jane. That's all the matter .with him. 

Eglantine. Son-in-law ? Good heavens ! Where is 
he? 

Jane. In that there room, a-cleaning hisself. 

Eglantine. Did you see him? Is he young? Is he 
handsome ? 

Jane (impressively). You've heared of the sacrifice of 
Abraham, Miss Eglantine? 

Eglantine. Certainly. 

Jane (slowly). Well, 'tain't a circumstance to the sacrifice 
of Coddle ! 
. Eglantine. Jane, what do you mean ? 

Jane. Maybe you know, miss, that, in the matfer of 
hearing, your pa is deficient ? 

Eglantine. Yes, yes ! Go on. 

Jane {slowly). Alongside of the feller he's picked out for 
your beau, your pa can hear the grass grow on the mounting- 
top, easy ! 

Eglantine. Deaf? 



14 NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON T HEAR. 

Jane. Not deef, miss; deef ain't a touch to it. 

Eglantine. Deaf? if s out of the question ! I won't 
have him! I refuse him! A hundred thousand times I 
refuse such a husband. 

Jane. Quite right, miss. He'd be the death of me. 
Your pa can't marry you without your consent : don't give it. 

Eglantine. Never ! They don't know me. Cruel ! 
cruel ! ( Weeps.) 

Jane. So it be, Miss Eglantine ; so it be. I never see 
the beat on't. Better give him the mitten out of hand, miss. 

Eglantine. Instantly, if he were here. The wretch ! 
How dare he ? . 

Jane. I'll call him. {To door. Knocks.) Mr. Whit- 
termat ! I say ! — He's furrin, miss. — Mr. Whittermat ! 
{Knocks furiously.) 

(Whitwell comes out of chamber ; sees Eglantine.) 

Whitwell {aside). Ha ! my partner at Lady Thornton's ! 

Eglantine {aside). Why, this is the gentleman I danced 
with at Sir Edward's! What nonsense is this about his 
being deaf? Jane, this gentleman hears as well as I do my- 
self. What do you mean ? 

Jane. Does he, miss ? Reckon not. You shall see. . 

Whitwell {aside). How annoying I can't give a hint to 
Miss Coddle ! If that troublesome minx were only out of 
the way, now ! 

Jane {in ordinary voice). Young man, you may suit Mr. 
Coddle, and I des'say ypu does, but you don't suit here. So 
git up and git. 

Eglantine. Jane ! 

Jane. Pshaw ! Miss Eglantine, he can't hear nary a 
sound. 

Whitwell {aside). You couldn't, if my finger and thumb 
were to meet on your ear, you vixen! {To Eglantine.) 
Miss Coddle is excessively, kind to receive me with such 
condescending politeness. 

Ja*te. Ha, ha, ha ! I told you so, Miss Eglantine. He 
thinks I paid him 3 compliment, sartain as yeast. 

Eglantine. Very strange ! When I met this poor gen- 
tleman at Lady Thornton's, he was not afflicted in this way. 

Jane. Wasn't he, miss? Well, he's paying for all his 
sins now. rt's providential, I've no doubt. 

Whitwell {aloud). Pity me, Miss Coddle, A dreadful 



NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T HEAR. IC 

misfortune has befallen me since I had the pleasure of meet- 
ing you at the Thorntons'. My horse fell with me, and in 
falling I struck on my head. I have been totally deaf ever 
since. 

Eglantine. Poor, poor young man ! My heart bleeds 
for him. 

Whitwell. " Ordinary conversation I am incapable of 
hearing ; but you, Miss Coddle, whose loveliness has never 
been absent from my memory since that happy day, you I 
am certain I could understand with ease. My eyes will help 
me to interpret the movements of your lips. Speak to me, 
and the poor sufferer whose sorrows awake your healing pity 
will surely hear. 

Eglantine. Can this be possible ? 

Whitwell. You said, "Can this be possible?" I am 
sure. • 

Eglantine. Yes. 

Whitwell. I knew it. 

Jane. The dickens ! Can he hear with his eyes ? (Aside.) 
I hope old Coddle won't never get that 'ere accomplishment. 

Eglantine. Oh, how sad ! What a misfortune ! But a 
deaf husband! Oh, impossible! (Exit slowly, I. u., much 
distressed.) 

Whitwell (follows to door). Stay, oh, stay, Miss Coddle ! 

Jane (laughing). Ha, ha ! Don't flatter yourself, puppy. 
She's not for you, jolterhead ! 

Whitwell (shakes Jane violently). I'm a jolterhead, 
am I ? A puppy, am I ? 

Jane. Lord forgive me, I do believe he can hear ! (Drops 
into chair.) 

Whitwell (pulls her up). Yes, vixen ! For you I hear 
perfectly. For your master, it suits me to be deaf. And, if 
you dare to betray me, I'll let him know your treachery. I 
heard your impudent speeches, every one of them. 

Jane. Oh, for mercy's sake, Mr. Whittermat, don't do 
that! My hair would turn snow in a single ni^ht! Think 
of my legacy ! 

Whitwell. Silence for silence, then, you wretched 
woman. 

Jane. Certainly, certainly, Mr. Whittermat. Besides, 
now you ain't deaf no longer, I like you first-rate. I accept 
your addresses j'yful. . 



1 6 NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T HEAR. 

Whitwell. Lucky for you, you witch. 

'Coddle (<?«/j/^). Jane! 

Jane. Oh, sir, now pray be careful. He's as spiteful as 
spiteful. If he finds you out, all the fat'll be in the fire. 

Whitwell. Be quite easy, Jane. To win Eglantine I'll 
be a horse-post, a tomb-stone. Fire a thousand-pounder at 
my ear, and I'll not wink. 

Coddle {outside). Jane, Jane ! I say. 

Jane. Step into the garden, Mr. Whittermat ; and when 
I ring the dinner-bell, don't you take no notice. 

Whitwell. I'm fly. But ain't I hungry, though, by 
Jove ! Don't forget me. 

Jane {pushing him out a). I'll come out and call you. 
{Exeunt L.) 

{Enter Coddle, r.> 

Coddle. A miracle ! A perfect miracle. Wonderful 
electro-acoustico-galvanism ! I can hear! I can hear! I 
can hear ! 

* {Enter Eglantine.) • 

Eglantine {screams). Papa, love ! 

Coddle {claps hands to his ears). Come here, my pet. 
Give me a kiss, my darling. Wish your father joy. I have 
a surprise for you, sweet one. 

Eglantine {shouts). I know what it is, papa. {Sadly.) 

Coddle. Don't scream so, Eglantine. It's impossible 
you should know it. 

Eglantine. Know what, papa ? 

Coddle. That I'm cured of my deafness. I can hear! 

Eglantine. What! Is it possible? 

Coddle. Yes, cured miraculously by that wonderful 
aurist, with his electro-magnetico — no, no ; electro-gal- 
vanico — no, no ; pshaw! no matter. He's cured me in a 
flash! 

Eglantine {shouts). O papa ! How delightful ! 

Coddle {covering his ears). Softly, my darling, softly. 
You kill me ! I hear almost too well. You deafen me. 
My hearing is now abnormal ; actually abnormal, it is so 
acute. 

Eglantine {aside). Perhaps he can be cured, then. 
{Shoiits.) Dearest papa, you cannot conceive how delighted 
I am. 

Coddle. Whisper, Eglantine, for Heaven's sake ! You 
torture me ! 



NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON T HEAR. \J 

Eglantine {shouts). Yes, papa. 

Coddle. Sh — sh — for mercy's sake ! 

Eglantine (softly). Forgive me, papa, it's habit. O 
papa, I've seen him! 

Coddle (aside). I hear every word. Seen whom ? 

Eglantine. The gentleman you have chosen for my 
husband. 

Coddle. Husband? Oh, ah! I'd forgotten him. (Aside.) 
I really am cured ! 

Eglantine. Poor young man ! I was miserable at first. 
I cried, oh, so hard ! 

Coddle. Darling, you mustn't cry any more. 

Eglantine. No, papa, I won't, for I like him extremely 
now. He's so handsome, and so amiable! I've met him 
before. 

Coddle. Tut, tut, child ! I'll see him hanged first. 

Eglantine. What? Why, papa, you asked him to 
marry me, Jane says. 

Coddle. Yes, when I was deaf. Now, however — what! 
marry my darling to a deaf man ? Never ! 

Eglantine. O papa, you are cured : perhaps he can be 
cured in the same way. 

Coddle. Impossible ! He's too deaf. I never knew a 
worse case. 

Eglantine. The doctor might try. 

Coddle. Impossible, I tell you. Besides, he's gone 
away. 

Eglantine. Let's send after him. 

Coddle. Not another word, my love, about that horrible 
deaf fellow ! I asked him to dine here to-day, like an old 
ass ; but I'll pack him off immediately after. 

Eglantine (angrily). Another offer thrown away ! Papa, 
you will kill me with your cruelty. (Weeps.) 

Coddle. Pooh, darling, I've another, much better offer 
on hand. I got a letter this morning from my friend Pottle. 
His favorite nephew — charming fellow. 

Eglantine (sobbing). I won't take him. 

Coddle. Eglantine, a capital offer, I tell you. Capital ! 
Young, brilliant, rich. 

Eglantine. I won't take him! I won't take him! I 
won't take him ! (Stamps.) 

Coddle. But, Eglantine — 



18 NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T HEAR. 

Eglantine. No, no, no, no, no ! I'll die an old maid 
first! I'll kill myself if I can't marry the man I love. 
{Exit, weeping) 

Coddle. {Solus) The image of her mother! The 
villain has bewitched her ! And to think I've asked him to 
dinner! A scamp I don't know, and never heard of, and who 
came into my house like a murderer, smashing all my hot- 
houses! Confound him, I'll insult him till he can't see out 
of his eyes ! I'll dine him with a vengeance ! And I'll 
hand him over to the police afterwards for malicious mis- 
chief—the horrid deaf ruffian ! The audacity of daring to 
demand my daughter's hand ! Deaf as he is ! {Bell heard) 
Ha! what's that infernal noise ? A fire? {Opens window) 
Bah ! Jane ringing the dinner-bell. Stop, stop, stop that 
devilish tocsin ! {Looks down into garden) There sits the 
miscreant, reading a paper, and hearing nothing of a bell 
loud enough to wake the dead. Detestable blockhead! 
There goes Jane to call him. Faithful Jane! I long to 
witness the joy which irradiates her face, dear soul, when I 
tell her I can hear. She loves me so sincerely ! {Calls.) 
Jane! — A servant of an extinct species. None like her 
nowadays. Jane, Jane ! {Enter Jane with svup-tureen.) 
I've news for you, my faithful Jane. 

Jane. Oh, shut up ! 

Coddle. Eh ! {Looks round in bewilderment) 

Jane {sets table, puts soup, &c, on it). There's your soup, 
old Coddle. Mollycoddle, I calls you ! 

Coddle {aside). Bless my soul ! she's speaking to me, I 
think. Can it be possible ? Mollycoddle ! 

Jane. If it war'n't for that tuppenny legacy, old Cod, I'd 
do my best to pop you into an asylum for idiots. YarJ 
(Exit, c, meets Whitwell.) 

Coddle. Old Cod ! So this is her boasted fidelity, her 
undying affection! Why, the faithless, abominable, un- 
grateful, treacherous vixen ! But her face is enough to 
show the vile blackness of her heart ! I've suspected her 
for months. After all my kindness to her, too ! And the 
money I've bequeathed her. She sha'n't stay another twenty- 
four hours in my house. {Sees Whitwell.) Nor you either, 
you swindling vagabond. 

Whitwell. Hallo, the wind's shifted with a vengeance 1 
{Shouts) Thank you, you're very kind. I accept your sug- 
gestion with great pleasure. 



NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON T HEAR. 1 9 

Coddle. Confound his impertinence! {Bows.) Very- 
sorry I invited you, you scampi Hope you'll find my dinner 
uneatable. 

* Whitwell. What can have happened? Does he sus- 
pect me ? (Shouts.) Very true ; a lovely prospect indeed. 

Coddle. Bah ! the beast ! A man as deaf as this fellow 
(bows, and points to table) should be hanged as a warning. 
{Politely.) This is your last visit here, I assure you. 

Whitwell. If it were only lawful to kick one's father-in- 
law, I'd do it on the spot. (Snouts.) m Your unvarying kind- 
ness to a mere stranger, sir, is an honor to human nature. 

Coddle (points). Take a chair, sir. (Pulls away best 
tchair, and goes for another..) No, no : shot if he shall have 
the best chair in the house ! If he don't like it, he can lump 
it. 

Whitwell. Mighty polite 1 Ah \ I see. He's testing 
me. I'll humor him. 

Coddle (returns with a staot). Here's the proper seat 
for you, you pig ! (Shouts.) 1 offer you this with the great- 
est pleasure. 

Whitwell (shouts). Thanks, thanks. (Drops voice.) 
You intolerable old brute ' 

Coddle. Ha ! 

Whitwell*(^w/w^- politely). If you're ever my father- 
in-law, I'll show you how to treat a gentleman. 

Coddle. His father-in-law! I'll give Eglantine to a 
coal-heaver first, — the animal ! (Shouts.) Pray be seated, 
(drops voice) and choke yourself. 

Whitwell (shouts). One gets a very fine appetite after 
a hard day's sport. • (Drops voice) Atrocious old ruffian ! 

Coddle. Old ruffian ! This is insufferable. (They sit) 

Whitwell (shouts). Will not Miss Coddle dine with us 
to-day? 

• Coddle. Jackanapes ! Not if I know it. (Shouts.) 
She's not well. This soup is cold, I fear. {Offers some) 

Whitwell. Eat it yourself, old foozle. (Bows cour- 
teously a refusal) 

Coddle. Infamous puppy! (Shouts) Nay, I insist. 
(Drops voice) It's smoked, — just fit for you. 

Whitwell (shouts). Thanks, no : never eat soup. (Drops 
voice) Old savage, lucky for you I adore your lovely 
daughter ! 



20 NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON T HEAR. 

Coddle. Shall I pitch this tureen at his head? — Jane! 
{Enter Jane with a dish.) Take off the soup, Jane. This 
gentleman won't have any. What have you there ? 

Jane {shouts). Partridge and spinach, sir. {Puts dish on 
table.) 

Whitwell {shouts). A delicious dish, Mr. Coddle, — 
my favorite. 

Coddle {shouts). Yes ? {Puts partridge on his own 
plate.) Jane can't boil spinach. I hate spinach. {Helps 
Whitwell to the spinach.) 

Whitwell {rises). 1 can't stand this. This is a little too 
much ! 

Coddle {shouts). Nothing more ? Good ! {Drops voice.) 
Get rid of you all the sooner. —Jane, cigars. Give me a 
Havana ; hand Mr. Whittermat a stogy. {Crosses to R.) 

Whitwell {aside, furious). How much longer shall I 
stand this ? 

Jane {aside to Whitwell). Hush ! He don't know you 
hear him. Don't upset your fish-kittle. 

Whitwell {aside). Very well. I'd like to drop him into 
it. 

Jane. Hoity, toity! Now see me. We'll have a little 
fun with the old sheep. 

Coddle. Jane, where are those cigars? * 

Jane {takes box from console, and offers it; shouts). Here 
they be. ' {Drops voice?) Jackass ! tyrant ! muttonhead ! I 
hope they'll turn your stomick.- 

Coddle {seizes her ear). What? You infamous minx! 
I a jackass ? I a tyrant ? I a muttonhead ? {Pulls her 
round?) I'm a sheep, am I? I'm a mollycoddle, am ' I ? 
You call me an idiot, do you ? 

Jane {screams). Ah ! he hears, he hears. 

Coddle. You'll have a little fun out of the old sheep, 
will you? You tell me to shut up, eh? Clap me into an 
asylum, will you ? {Lets go her ear) 

Jane A miracle ! I'm dead. {Crosses to l., screaming.) 
{Enter Eglantine.) 

Eglantine. Papa ! . For heaven's sake, what is the 
matter ? 

Whitwell {stupefied). What, Mr. Coddle ! I thought 
you were deaf. Is it possible you can hear ? 

Coddle {shouts). Perfectly well, sir; and so it seems 



NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T HEAR. 21 

can you. I will repeat, if you wish it, every one of those 
delectable compliments you paid me five minutes since. 

Whitwell(^ Eglantine). I can't believe my ears. 
Miss Coddle, has he been shamming deafness, then, all this 

Eglantine {shouts). No, indeed. A doctor cured his 
deafness only half an hour ago. • \\ . 

Tane Ah ! Dear old master, was it kind to deceive me 
in this fashion ? Why didn't ye tell me ? Ah ! now ye can 
hear, I love you tenderer than ever. 

Coddle. Tell you, you pig, you minx ! I tell you to 
walk out of my house. 

Whitwell {aside). I'll take you into my service. 
Coddle (/*«</ /o Whitwell). Come, sir, you too. You 
are an impostor, sir. Leave my house. 
Eglantine. Ah, papa ! I love him. 
Whitwell. What do I hear ? You love me, Eglantine? 
Eglantine {shrieks). Ah-h-h ! I forgot you could hear. 
(Hides her face in her hands.) 

Whitwell. Thank Heaven, I can ! or I should have lost 
the rapture of that sweet avowal. Mr. Coddle, I love — 1 
adore your daughter. You heard a moment since the con- 
fession that escaped her innocent lips. Surely you cannot 
turn a deaf ear to the voice of nature, and see us both mis- 
erable for life. Remember, sir, you have now no deaf ear 
to turn. Be merciful. 

Coddle. What, sir! Give you my daughter after all 
your frightful insults ? Never ! 

Whitwell. Remember how you treated me, sir; ana 

reflect, too, that you began it. Insults are not insults unless 

intended to be heard. For every thing Tsaid, I apologize 

from the bottom of my heart. Ah, sir ! be considerate lenient. 

Coddle {after a pause). Do you retract " old rattan t 

Whitwell. Certainly. 

Eglantine. Ah, papa ! forgive him. He retracts old 
ruffian." 

Coddle. And " brute " ? 

Whitwell. Of course. 

Coddle. And " old foozle " ? 

Whitwell. Entirely, sir. 

Eglantine. Papa, of course he does. 

Coddle {a pause). No, Mr. Whittermat, I can't give 



22 NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON T HEAR. 

my daughter to a man I never heard of in my life, *— and 
with such a preposterous name too ! No, no. 

Whitwell. My name is Whitwell, my dear sir, rrr not 
Whittermat : nephew of your old friend Benjamin Pottle. * 

Coddle. God bless me ! Nephew of Ben Pottle ! Why 
didn't you say so before? What did you tell me your name 
was Whittermat for ? • 

Whitwell. Some singular mistake, sir: I never did. 
Can't imagine how the mistake could have occurred. 

Coddle. Well, well, Mr. Whitwell, this alters the case. 
Your uncle wrote me about you. Extraordinary coincidence ! 
Well, since you heard all / said — Ha, ha, ha ! 

Whitwell. Of course I did. Ha, ha, ha ! For every 
Roland of mine you gave me two Olivers at least. . Ha, ha, 
ha! 

Coddle. Neither of us deaf, eh? Diamond cut dia- 
mond, — ha, ha, ha ! Pull dog, pull cfcvil, eh ? {Bursting 
with laughter. All laugh heartily) 

Jane. He, he, he ! I never thought I'd live to see this 
happy day, master. 

Coddle. Hold your tongue, you impudent cat ! Quit 
my house. Mollycoddle, indeed ! 

Jane. O Mr. Coddle, you won't go for to turn off a faith- 
ful servant in this way. {Aside to Whitwell.) That leg- 
acy's lost. {To Coddle.) Ah, master dear ! you won't find 
nobody else as'll work their fingers to the bone, and their 
voice to a thread-paper, as I have : up early and down late, 
and yelling and screeching from morning till night. Well, 
the house will go to rack and ruin when I'm gone, — that's 
one comfort. 

Whitwell {aside to Jane). The money's yours, cash 
down, the day of my wedding. 

Coddle. Well, well, Jane, I'll forgive you, for luck. I'm 
too happy to bear malice. But I wish you knew how to 
boil spinach. 

Jane. I'll learn right straight off, sir. 

Coddle. Well, hang delay, children ! I'll engage Dr. 
Harrold for a week from to-day, and invite all our friends {to 
the audience) to witness the wedding. Church of the Holy 
Cross, remember. No low church for me. All who mean to 
come will please signify it by clapping their hands, and the 
harder the better. Not many refusals here. {Curtain falls.) 
R. Eglantine. Whitwell. Coddle. Jane. L. 



•* The whole art of elocution is succinctly set forth In this sma$ 
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elocutioFsImplified, 

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estimation of all, good reading is an accomplishment, and should 
be made a daily drill in every school and college. This book is 
compact, free of every thing that is not essential ; and we heartily 
commend it." — Chicago Inter-Ocean. 

" Full of just what is useful to make good readers and speak- 
ers." — Albany Times. 

2^= " Any one who will carefully study and practise therteach- 
ings of this book will be able to greatly improve their reading and 
speaking." — Independent. 

Sold by all booksellers, and sent by mail, postpaid, on 

jeceipt of price. _______ 

LEE & SHEPARD. Publishers, Boston. 



Books of Travel. 



OVER THE OCEAN; 

OR, 

SIGHTS AND SCENES IN FOREIGN LANDS. 

By Curtis Guild, editor of *' The Boston Commercial Bulletin." Crown 8va 
Cloth. $2.50. 
" This is certainly a collection of some of the most perfect pen-pictures of sights 
and scenes in foreign lands we have ever seen." — A Ibion. 

ABROAD AGAIN; 

OR, 

FRESH FORAYS IN FOREIGN FIELDS. 

Uniform with " Over the Ocean." By the same author. Crown 8vo. Cloth. $2.50. 

AN AMERICAN GIRL ABROAD. 

By Miss Adeline Trafton, aut%>r of "His Inheritance," " Katherine Earle," 

&c. i6mo. Illustrated. $1.50. 

"'The American Girl' is a bright, good, merry-hearted girl, off for a good time; 

and her readers are of the opinion that the journey was a decided success."— 

Liberal Christian. 

BEATEN PATHS; 

OR, 

A WOMAN'S VACATION. 

By Ella W. Thompson. i6mo. Cloth. $1.50. 
" The author seems to have hit on just the most charming things to see, and 
talks of them in a charming manner." — Tribune. 

A THOUSAND MILES' WALK ACROSS SOUTH 

AMERICA, 

OVER THE PAMPAS AND THE ANDES. 

By Nathaniel H. Bishop. i2mo. Illustrated. $1.50. 

VOYAGE OF THE PAPER CANOE. 

A Geographical Journey of Twenty-five Hundred Miles from Quebec to the Gulf 
of Mexico. By the same author. With numerous illustrations and maps 
specially prepared for this work. Crown 8vo. $2.50. 

FOUR MONTHS IN A SNEAK-BOX. 

A Boat-Voyage of Twenty-six Hundred Miles down the Ohio and Mississippi 
Rivers, and along the Gulf of Mexico. By the same author. With nu- 
merous maps and illustrations. $2.50. 

CAMPS IN THE CARIBEEES. 

Being the Adventures of a Naturalist Bird-Hunting in the West India Islands. 
By Fred A. Ober. Crown 8vo. With maps and illustrations. 

For sale by all booksellers and newsdealers, and sent by mail, postpaid, on 
receipt of price. , 

LEE & SHEPARD, Pilblishers . Boston, 



BETTER THAN GOLD 



A Drama in Four Acts. 



BY GEORGE M. BAKER. 

PRICE, 28 CENTS. 

Deservedly popular as are the plays written by Mr. George 
31. Baker, we have never seen or read any of his works which 
can equal " Better than Gold," which has just been published. 
The play is one which will become one of the greatest favorites 
among amateurs, and is sufficiently strong to merit a season 
upon the professional stage. The plot is cleverly conceived, 
and the parts are all good ones, which in proper hands must 
make the performance one pleasing to any audience. The 
parts are: a rather foolish old lawyer who weds a young wife, 
and is ruled by her; a noble-minded man who, aa the yean 
change, sees his fortune, his manhood, and his good name 
swept from him, till at last, maddened by drink, he kills hit 
wife, the whole turning out to be but a dream < aused by his 
first drunken carouse; a good-natured, blundering young man: 
a dissipated and disinherited son, who by means of wine and 
gambling gains what he deems his birthright (a strong char- 
acter, if well taken) ; and a colored servant. The ladies' parts 
are: an elderly lady, the housekeeper; two parts of nearly 
equal importance, for the leading lady and first walking lady; 
and a lighter, but still important part. We give this list In 
order that companies in search of something flew and power- 
ful may judge of the requirements of the piece. This play is 
so written that the first and last acts form a very pretty little 
play of themselves; and a company which would be unable to 
properly perform the entire play could make a success in 
these two acts. The second and third acts are supposed to be 
a dream, and the play is very good with the third act omitted. 
However, the third act contains a good deal of heavy acting, 
and the opportunity will hardly be thrown away by the bett«r 
companies, who have strong actors among their members. — 
The Amateur Theatrical Journal. 



GEORGE M. BAKER & CO., Publishers, 

BOSTQ2ST 



f\ky$ for" &ip>teitf 1 jj||||||| 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



BY 

A uthor o/ "A mateur Dramas, 



GEORGE M. BAI 016 102 889 7 

" The Mimic Stage," "The Social Stage," *' The Drawing- 
Room Stage," " Handy Dramas" " The Exhibition Drama," "A Baker's Dozen" etc. 
Titles in this Type are New Plays. 
Titles in, this Type are Temperance Plays. 



DRAMAS. 

In Four Acts. 

Better Than Gold. 7 male, 4 female 
char 



In Three Acts. 



Our Folks. 6 male, 5 female char. . . 
The Flower of the Family. 5 

male, 3 female char. ......... 

Enlisted for the War. 7 male, 3 fe- 
male characters 

My Brother's Keeper. 5 male, 3 fe- 
male char 

The Little Drown Jug, 5 male, 3 

female char 

In Two Acts. 

Above the Clouds. 7 male, 3 female 
characters 

One Hundred, Years Ago. 7 male, 
4 female char 

Among the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female 
char • 

Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 female 
char 

Down by the Sea. 6 male, 3 female 
char 

Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female ch3r. 

The Last Loaf. 5 male, 3 female char. 
In One Act. 

Stand by the Flag. 5 male char . 

The Tempter. 3 male, 1 female char. 

COMEDIES AND FAECES. 

A Mysterious Disappearance. 4 

male, 3 female char 

Padd 1 e Your Own Canoe. 7 male, 

3 female char « 

A Drop too Much. 4 male, 2 female 
characters 

A. JAttle More Cider. 5 male, 3 fe- 
male char 

A Thorn Among the Roses. 2 male, 6 
female char 

Never Say Die. 3 male, 3 female char. 

Seeing the Elephant. 6 male, 3 female 
char 

The Boston Dip- 4 male, 3 female char. 

The Duchess of Dublin. 6 male, 4 fe- 
male char 

Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 

4 male, 3 female char 

We're all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 fe- 
male char 

Male Characters Only. 
A Close Shave. 6 char 



A Public Benefactor. 6 char. 
A Sea of Troubles. 8 char. . 



COMEDIES, Sec, continued. 

Male Characters Only. 

A Tender Attachment. 7 char. ... 15 

Coals of Fire. 6 char. „ 15 

Freedom »f the Press. 8 char. ... 15 

Shall Our Mothers Vote ? n char. 15 

Gentlemen of the Jury 12 char. - . 15 

Humors of the Strike. 8 char. „ . 15 

My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . . 15 

New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . 15 

The Great Elixir. 9 char 15 

The Hypochondriac. 5 char is 

The Mati ivith the Demijohn. 4 

char. . . 15 

The Runaways. 4 char 15 

The Thief of Time. 6 char. . . . 15 

Wanted, a Male Cook. 4 char. . . > 15 

Female Characters Only. 
A Love of a Bonnet. 5 char. . .15 

A Precious Pickle. 6 char 15 

No Cure no Pay. 7 char is 

The Champion of Her Sex. 8 char. . 15 

The Greatest Plague in Life. 8cha. 15 

The Grecian Bend. 7 char 15 

The Red Chignon. 6 char. .... 15 

Using the Weed. 7 char. 15 

ALLEGORIES. 

Arranged for Music and Tableaux. 

Lightheakt's Pilgrimage. 8 female 
char 15 

The Revolt of the Bees. 9 female 
char 15 

The Sculptor's Triumph, i male, 4 fe- 
male char. 15 

The Tournament of Idylcourt. 10 
female char 15 

Thf "Yar of the Roses. 8 female char. 15 

MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. 

An Original Idea, i male, 1 female 
char, , • IS 

Bonbons ; or, the Paint King. 6 male, 
1 female char. 25 

Capuletta ; or, Romeo and Juliet 
Restored. 3 male, 1 female char. . 15 

Santa Claus' Frolics. ...... 15 

Snow-bound; or, Alonzo the Brave 
and the Fair Imogene. 3 male, 1 
female char • • 2 S 

The Merry Christmas of the Old 
Woman who lived in a Shoe. . . 15 

The Pedler of Very Nice. 7 male 
char ." *5 

The Seven Ages. A Tableau Entertain- 
ment Numerous male and female char. 15 

Too Late for the Train. 2 male char. 15 

The Visions of Freedom 
char. . - • • 



female 



Geo. M. Baker & Co., 41-45 Franklin St., Boston, 



Baker's Humorous Dialogues. 
Baker's Humorous Dialogues. 



Malt' characters only. 25 cents. 
Female characters only. 25 cents. 



